I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
