I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
