Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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