She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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