Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
