From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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