I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
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