I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
