You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
