Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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