I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Never joke about your clitoris.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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