her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
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