Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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