I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
