i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
