just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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