Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Randomize
