You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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