That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
We had sex on a dog bed..
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
