ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
