Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
well you can't waste a boner
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Randomize
