After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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