Moan for me like Helen Keller
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
