She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
