who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
