you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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