My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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