Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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