I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
don't judge my taste in strippers
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
