why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Randomize
