There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
