All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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