my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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