I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
