He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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