I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
