I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
