And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize