fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
