no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
