My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
