I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
