Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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