By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
