dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I have feelings that need drinking.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize