he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
