Best friends brother. Beat that.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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