Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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