Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
