I think I am morally bankrupt
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize