Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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