The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
