I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
