Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
