I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize