I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
