my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
