my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
