Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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