When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I AM VODKA MAN
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
