this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
