Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
